when suddenly, i realize that you're the only one i talk to when im sad, you're the only one who knows why im sad, and that you're the only one i dare to talk to.
then at times, i think to myself, i musnt spoil your mood, and even though you know im down, i dont want you to put up a desperate struggle to cheer me up, because truth is, i dont usually get cheered up by people, especially when im really sad. like just now.
i take time on my own, and finally, when i get tired of crying, the world will seem to stop for that particular moment, where im at peace again. th world just sees me as a happy girl.
people who cheer me always fail because when i cry, i tend not to listen to others. or say, im not tuned to listening to others at all. even if they try their best to stop me from crying or whatever shit.
i get bored when people tell me long stories about whatever happened in their day, and i rarely pay full attn to them. i may seem to be paying a hell lot of attention, but in fact, i feel like screaming to them, to stop talking about their stuffs alone. im a bad listener, and i know it for myself.
and i dont like telling people when im down- i dont want the world to stare at me with pity in their eyes. it's terrifying for that to happen. and i dont want to come to know that the world exists people like me. those who often pretend to listen, but in fact, are not.
i want the world to see me as a happy girl, for that is what i really want to be.
but now, you're making it so hard for me.
and the bad thing is, this time,
it's not only you.
then maybe, i just have to live in pretense for as long as i live.
instead of letting tears drown me all the effing time.